Why Is There A Nude Zdeno Chara In My ESPN The Magazine?

No, that’s not Bigfoot from the Patterson footage, that’s just the captain of the Boston Bruins, Zdeno Chara.

It’s guaranteed that most of the sports fans out there weren’t too thrilled to open their ESPN: The Magazine this morning and see a nude 6’9″ Big Z starting at them provocatively wearing nothing but his birthday suit.

Just why did ESPN pick Chara for their inaugural “Body Issue”? Or better yet, why did Chara accept the offer put forth by the television station that loves to act as if hockey is less important than NASCAR?

I’m no 6’9″ Slovak, but here are just a few ideas as to why Zdeno Chara agreed to do this photoshoot.

• Chara saw last season’s NHL “Is this the year?” poster that said the only thing more terrifying than Zdeno Chara was Zdeno Chara with a playoff beard and he disagreed vehemently. In fact, Chara believes that the image of his nude stare will in fact burn in the heads of NHL forwards as they make their way up the ice.
• He heard that there was a naked painting of Bobby Orr, he felt that he could one-up number four.
• Chara realizes that when you’re captain of the Boston Bruins, nearly seven feet tall on skates and known for tossing players around like ragdolls you probably won’t hear too much about it from the opposition.
• After registering the NHL record for hardest slapshot at 105.4 mph, a myth began to grow about how human Zdeno Chara actually was compared to how much of a machine he was. He felt he needed to do this to set the record straight.
• Chara felt extreme jealously towards the modeling shots of Andrew Ference and knew that someone had to show up that Earth-friendly blue-liner. After all, while Ference is preserving the mountains, Chara is conquering them.

Regardless that the magazine also contains players such as Sheldon Souray, Bill Guerin and Mike Komisarek, Chara was the only NHL player to pose nude for the magazine. In the process, Captain Zdeno became the first player to ever appear nude in a magazine, sorry Jiri Tlusty.