SATIRE: Crosby out 4 months (broken right orbital bone) … Fleury out 3 months

Pittsburgh Penguins’ captain and star centre Sidney Crosby will miss the next four months of action due to a shattered right orbital bone.  Goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury will miss the next three months of hockey after tearing his right deltoid muscle when he tried to rip a phone book in half after being inspired to “try something new and bold” by motivational speaker Anthony Robbins.  For Crosby, the orbital bone, which surrounds the eye, was cracked when a ping pong ball emphatically and gleefully struck by teammate Jordan Staal bounced high off a table in the Penguins’ rec room, hit a lamp in the ceiling, deflected off a pebble on the floor, then shot into Crosby’s face.

“This is ridiculous,” lamented head coach Dan Bylsma, noting that with these latest injuries, nine regular Penguins are now sidelined.  “A ping pong ball.  A freaking ping pong ball.  Now my captain is gone until the spring.  And Fleury.  What was he thinking trying to rip a phone book in half?  We are contemplating suing Tony Robbins for asinine advice.  I hate motivational speakers.  It’s junk science.”

Forward Maxime Talbot has not played a game this season due to shoulder surgery performed in July.  Wingers Tyler Kennedy and Chris Kunitz are out due to lower-body injuries.  The defence corps is more corpse than corps.  Sergei Gonchar broke his left wrist in mid-October.  Kris Letang suffered a right shoulder contusion on November 7.  Brooks Orpik was injured the very next game and is out for at least two weeks and young puck-moving blueliner Alex Goligoski was declared out before Monday night’s game for two weeks as well.

Crosby’s injury occurred on Tuesday morning prior to the team’s plane ride to Ottawa where they are scheduled to play Thursday versus the Senators.  Staal, the Penguins’ dethroned ping pong champion was looking to avenge the loss of his crown to Crosby and challenged him to a winner-take-all match.  With Staal leading 20-17 and serving for the win, Crosby struck a high bouncer which Staal lined up for the smash.  He smashed it all right – into Crosby’s face and destroying the right orbital bone.  Needless to say, Crosby will miss the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

Fleury, who had the night off on Saturday with Brent Johnson in goal, attended the two-day weekend motivational series at the nearby Pittsburgh Marriott.  Looking to “take his game to the next level, “channell positive energy”, “give 110%”, “stay within himself”, “letting the game come to him and not trying to force the issue”, Fleury tried some of the suggestions in the conference workbook including pre-game yoga, bongo-drum playing, burlesque dancing, mixing raw egg yolks into his morning milk and the “Gold Level” challenge: ripping a phone book in half to demonstrate mastery, power and self-reliance.  Apparently there is a technique to do it properly.

Fleury, tragically, did not master the technique.

The phone book mastered him, like kings of old, preening over their fallen, conquered rivals.

An incosolable Fleury, using his left hand, was actually keeping score for the Staal-Crosby ping pong match and witnessed the Crosby injury.  When it occurred, Fleury didn’t even flinch.  He bowed his head and wept bitterly.