How Santa Ruined the Maple Leafs (A Christmas Story)

It was December 22^nd, and I was recently hired on to work at the local post-office. I had done their tedious work of assorting all the mail and endured my fair share of letter kisses (aka huge freaking paper cuts). I had done my part in customer service in order to send out last minute presents to unwanted family members (you know who you are), but became increasingly bored with my occupation. It was then, on the date listed above, or you know…yesterday, that I decided to explore more of this “Post Office”, as I was confused why there were no nets to speak of goal posts, let alone an office.

Seen Here: The only “office” in the building, and yes, we share it.

I began looking through the storage room and found an old box that seemed to have a bit of a sparkle to it. The sun was shining at it through the high window at the end of the room, and it created a human-shaped sort of aura to it. I finally got close enough to get a better view and noticed it was just Robert Pattinson posing as his Edward Cullen character from the “Twilight” series.

This is exactly how he was posing.

After shooing him away with a broom, I opened the box he was guarding. It was clear that whatever was inside was either very important, or important to teenagers with the brain capacity of Aki Berg (which is usually one-lined. For Aki, it was “puck”, for teenagers who watch Twilight it’s “like oh my god”. [Note: this part wasn’t supposed to be funny, but if you laughed that kinda rocks and stuff.] Side note to the note: nice use of brackets! [Note: I know right?!])

Once I opened the box, I found a small letter addressed to none other than the fat guy himself, Mr. Santa Claus. In this letter, I realized that for the last 23 years, I’ve been writing the wrong letters to Claus. This boy, who can easily be classified as Leaf nation’s dumbest fan, had made a list he wanted from Santa over his Maple Leafs that makes me want to go back in time just to re-write all my letters to Santa years in advance to ignore Francis the tard. I wish I could tell you I had, but prison is no fairy-tale world. Wait, sorry about that, been watching Shawshank recently; doesn’t Morgan Freeman just kick ass?! Anyways, back to the story. For those that do not know Francis (which is, uh, all of you)…

He's this guy!

Instead of summarizing the letter, I’ll let you read it for yourselves. Enjoy!

Feeling a tad upset, I threw the letter as hard as I could to the ground, but I just watched it float down. Then I started throwing and kicking around boxes. I knew what I had to do. To get rid of all this bad luck, I pulled out my trusty swiss army knife and I found my small vile of lighter fluid. I sprinkles it on the letter and lit a match (also in my swiss army knife, these things are ridiculous). At first the flame was contained, but I guess with all the rest of the dried out paper in there, it got out of hand pretty quickly.

Seen Here: A minor oops.

My manager came in and started to pull me from the room, screaming at me how it started. I kept yelling at him “Santa made me do it! Santa made me do it!”

I was fired yesterday. It’s also possible I’ll be up on charges around the New Year. But I just wanted to take the time I have on this computer at the police station to share my story with the world. I hate Santa!

Wish me luck in court! Happy holidays.

Micheal A. Aldred

michealaldred@hotmail.com