Ilya Kovalchuk’s Diary

After recently visiting Ilya Kovalchuk’s new pad, I found the following diary and decided to share it with the world because I am an awful, awful friend.

Day 1 – Dear diary, I have arrived in New Jersey. While the city itself is a tad busier than Atlanta, I still feel like I am at home. My new condo fits me well, and the couple across the street enjoy making the sex with the curtains open. I can’t help but stare at the silky skin glistening in the moonlight. That guy must work his glutes daily. I’m such a little devil for looking. Oh no, his wife sees me. I must move now.

Day 8 – Dear diary, I scored some good points against the Maple Leafs and my agent found me a new condo. I look out my window and see city, but no more people across the street. That is a shame. I am invited to a slumber party on Saturday at Zach Parise’s house. If it’s anything like it was in Atlanta, everyone will have fun until Dany Heatley drives home.

Day 22 – Dear diary, I just got an e-mail from Don Waddell. I guess he’s still upset with me for wanting to leave. I thought I was very clear when he offered me a 10-year deal and I said “no thank you, I want to play for an NHL team.” He told me he lied about all the times he said I looked gorgeous and that I am not as pretty as I think I am. He’s obviously delusional because I am definitely a sexy piece of ass. Those pictures I took of myself in a skimpy devil suit will never be sent to him now. His loss.

Day 72 – Dear diary, I know I have not wrote you in a while, but today Ilya is sad =( tear drops I cannot draw and that makes me even more sad. I was never good in art class, but that’s not why I write you today. The Devils are kicked out of playoffs. Two times I go to playoffs and two times my team is out in first round. I scored six points in five games, but fans not happy. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I like my condo, but with no happy fans and no sex across street, I am not happy with New Jersey. What should I do?! Are you there?! Can you read this?! Answer me!!!!! Cry face!

Day 125 – Dear diary, I stopped writing you because you ignored me when I was sad. But I have something I need to tell you. Don Waddell is still angry. He got players from Stanley Cup winning team and is making fun of me for having no contract. He says “I have Dustin Buff, uh, Biff, uh, Bif Naked, or Fugly, Big Fugly Inn keeper, whatever his name is, you sucksorz! 3a7 @$$ K0v@1$uCk! 1337z0rz!” I do not speak code! What does this say?!

Day 132 – Dear diary, I am now a free agent. All I hear all day is ringing and agent keeps asking me “will you take this?” I do not want short-term, I hate Waddell, I need very big contract to get back at him for his secret code that has kept me awake at night. What the hell is a sucksorz?! Waddell e-mailed me today a video on youtube that said “Kovalchuk’s most awesome goals”, but some guy starting singing to me! The words are stuck in my head! “NEVER GUNNA GIVE YOU UP!” GAHHHH!

Day 135 – The Los Angeles Kings called me and said they like me, and want to schedule a meeting with me. My phone scares me and someone keeps sending me letters that have more numbers and letters in them. This one says U 1$ Da F@i1! I am so alone!

Day 139 – I had my meeting with the Los Angeles Kings at my condo. They don’t seem to like me anymore. I have built a man-fort in the corner of my living room and pushed my fridge beside it so I never have to leave. Technology scares me, and the only two things I can trust are you and my pencil, and my pencil just broke! I need to bite off parts of the wood to continue writing, brb!

Okay I am back. I used the bite stuff to create a small fire for my pet mouse, his name is Brian Gionta. He eats peanut butter, so we share. The Kings people left my place because they did not like it when I asked Gionta if the deal looked good. I told them I wanted him in my trade clause and they walked out.

Day 142 – Dear diary, Gionta is gone and I’m starting to wonder if he ever existed. I haven’t shaved in weeks and I think there’s something in my beard that’s tickling me. Oh wait! Maybe that’s Gionta!

Day 142 and a half – Dear diary, it was Gionta in my beard, but because I have no food left in my fridge, I had to eat him. I am so sad again, tearie face, but I ate him with peanut butter so he doesn’t get lonely in my stomach.

Day 150 – The Devils came over today and asked me if I still want to play hockey. I told them I did. They asked me for how long, and I told them for 370 Ilykov moons. They stared at me for a few minutes until they finally said “ok” and handed me a contract. I signed it and gave Waddell a little message.

Day 151 – The NHL says my contract isn’t good. They said “this isn’t compliant within the CBA”, and I said “you’re not compliant with the CBA!” And he said “what?” and I said “WHAT?!” Then there was a long pause and I said “you called the wrong number bitch!” Then I hung up. I sure showed him!

Day 171 – The obituaries guy told us my contract is not good and said it doesn’t count. I don’t understand what is going on. I wish Brian Gionta was here right now to tell me what I should do. Maybe I will go back to Russia and find a new Brian Gionta that I can pet and kiss and be with. I miss Brian Gionta. I miss how he would lick me before we went to sleep in my man-fort. Ilya is sad again.

Day 199 – I have a new contract with the Devils, hopefully this time it goes through. Ilya is happy! Also, I learned how to read and write Leet today, and now I know what Waddell wrote to me. Here is my new contract.

Micheal A. Aldred