WHAT DO NHL OWNERS AND THE NHLPA KNOW ABOUT THE COMING MAYAN APOCALYPSE THAT WE DON’T?

As the NHL lockout drags on, games are cancelled, the Winter Classic is cancelled and NHL fans everywhere are asking themselves WHY? Why can’t the owners and players figure out how to divide a damn pie with 3.3 billion cherries in it?

The real answer to this question, as revealed directly to me by sources close to the situation I trust further than I can throw, is both understandable and horrifying!

The hockey elites behind the scenes of the slug-like negotiating procedure have special insider information that December 21, at the end of the current 5,125-year-long cycle of the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, will in fact bring an end to life on Earth as we know it.

Sworn to secrecy, both sides are simply doing what suits their needs best as what’s left of our time here on Earth slips away. The players are doing what they love in their final days, playing hockey in no-check European leagues and enjoying what that continent has to offer while it still exists. Think about it: Where would you rather spend your final days on Earth . . . . Edmonton, Alberta or Prague?

The owners, for their part, are using the tens of millions of dollars saved on player salaries to build lavish underground fortresses under the old Pittsburgh Civic Arena in hopes of surviving the unsurvivable. Word has it that Sidney Crosby may be allowed to stay in the carriage house attached to Mario Lemieux’s personal underground dwelling.

I recognize that revealing this places my life in great danger, but we’ll all be dead within the month anyway, so who gives a shit? You have a right to know!

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About the Author: Fan for almost 40 years, player for about 30 of them. That's 70 years of hockey experience right there

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