How about that totally accidental fire?

daniel alfredsson_wario

Hey Friends!

Daniel Alfredsson here again, man, is it hot in here or is it just me? Haha! Oh I see that none of you are laughing, ah, I was attempting some of your famous North American ‘topical humour’. It appears that Ron Wilson’s comedy lessons were not as effective as advertised.

Of course I am referring to the completely accidental fire that consumed most of the visiting Minnesota Wild’s gear on Friday. Like I told the Ottawa police, this is an open and shut case, clearly another example of road salt buildup in the fuel line guards causing corrosion, leakage and eventual conflagration. A fault common to that model of cargo truck … or so I’ve heard.

Still these crazy rumours keep popping up in the media, my ‘favourite’ is the one that states I was seen throwing out a pair of gloves reeking of gasoline. Gasoline? Really?? When clearly a fire hot enough to burn the thick leather and fiberglass contained within would require a phosphorous based accelerant coupled with a gelatinous propellant applied directly to material. So why would I even need gasoline … rhetorically speaking, of course.

So what if I can’t explain my whereabouts between 9:45 and 10:00 that day? So what if that coincides with when the tapes are changed on the security cameras?  It’s all baseless speculation and conjecture. Oh the facial hair?? I am, uh, experimenting with my self-image, it certainly isn’t a result of burns caused by faulty fuse timings on a cheap but untraceable remote detonator … I read about that on Wikipedia.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to the game tonight, perhaps the fire department should stick around since I have the feeling we’ll be on fire tonight! Haha! … nothing? Really?  Is this thing on?


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Filed Under: FeaturedMinnesota WildOttawa SenatorsSatire


About the Author: Al Rankin writes vicariously through others. You probably shouldn't trust what he says, although it's cool to lend him money, he's totally good for it. @Al_Rankin on Twitter

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