Lo and behold, as soon as I cast my lot with a highfalutin’ site like Hockey Independent, I start learning things. Like this past week at the NHL General Manager meetings down in Boca Raton Florida, I got to learn a lot of the things that went on behind the scenes.

You know who benefits from that? You, dear readers, that’s who.

So with no further ado, here are a few things that happened at the GM meetings that you might not have seen in the papers:

Monday, 9:00 - 29 of the 30 General Managers pledged to do more to promote player safety, both by looking at rule changes and punishment of repeat offenders. The only GM who didn’t vote was Chicago Blackhawks’ GM Stan Bowman, who arrived after the vote, saying, “Sorry I’m late, I was finishing up a 2-year extension for Dan Carcillo. What did I miss?”

Monday, 10:30 - A seminar titled “How to build a bad team by not trading draft picks” is given. Columbus GM Scott Howson is the only invitee.

Monday, 1:00 - a team building exercise, where the GMs are broken into groups to explore which cities are the best candidates for a relocated franchise. Eye contact with Phoenix GM Don Maloney is avoided at all times.

Monday, 7:00 - A cocktail reception and dinner for the GMs is held. The theme of this year’s dinner is, “CBA? What CBA?”

Tuesday, 10:00 - The GMs discuss their successful relationship with the KHL in Russia. Nashville GM David Poile stated Alex Radulov’s desire to return to the NHL. Amid laughter, the other GMs told him, “Sure, Poile…you get Radulov back and he won’t even haave to clear waivers.”

Tuesday, 2:00 - After two straight days, the GMs decide they need a break from any hockey discussion. So they turn on ESPN.

Tuesday, 4:00 - While finalizing plans for the 2013 Winter Classic, Red Wings’ GM Ken Holland is told his players can play in the Winter Classic or the Old-Timers game, but not both.

Wednesday, 10:00 - The GMs discuss realignment. They have all the cities on magnetic pieces that they move around on a whiteboard. At some point, they see there’s a handwritten one that says “HAMILTON”, and Jim Balsillie is escorted out.

Wednesday, 1:00 - The GMs each have to throw another dollar into the kitty and make new picks in the “Mark Messier Smothers Glen Sather With A Pillow” pool.

Wednesday, 3:00 - The meetings end with a commemorative “Reading of the Names”, where tribute is paid to the General Managers who have lost their jobs since last year’s meetings. The reading is interrupted at 6:00 for dinner, and everyone decides to just end it at 9:00, because they have planes to catch.

So there you have it…see you next year.

Salutations, Hockey Independent readers.

Allow me to introduce myself – the name’s Frank Nova. While the name isn’t that familiar to most (truth be told, probably any) of you, you may know me better by my nom de blog “Forklift”, over at Hockeenight. I’ve also shown up a few times in the Committed Indian, and I’ve done a guest spot on other sites here and there. I’m also part of the Hockeenight Puckcast (available on iTunes!), enjoyed by tens of listeners.

For those of you unfamiliar with our work over there, we’ve managed to achieve some acclaim in our almost four years of covering the Chicago Blackhawks.

Now then…by now you’ve probably gotten over your disappointment of clicking on the Indian Head and not seeing Al Cimaglia’s insights. But you’ve hung in there long enough to get to this point. And for that, I thank you. I guess here’s where I should probably let you know what you can expect when you see my byline pop up…

I’ve been a Blackhawks fan for almost all of my 49+ years on this planet. My dad was always able to scrounge up tickets to a couple games a year, usually against the Seals or Penguins. He would take me down to Morrie Mages every fall to get a new stick (always a Northland), and a new Hawks’ jersey to replace the one I grew out of – then, as now, I always got a #21.

Unfortunately, Dad left us April 1, 2010, right before the greatest playoff run of my lifetime. But we both enjoyed being in New York in 1994, when the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, albeit in Ranger uniforms.

One thing that’s happened as the years have gone by, is that I’ve developed a love for players for different reasons. Each time we went to games in the late 60s/early 70s, there was this one leather-lunged guy who just hated Pat Stapleton. I mean he despised Whitey. I never had much in the way of feelings for Whitey one way or the other, wishing as every little boy did then that Bobby Orr played for my team. It wasn’t until later on that I started hearing stories about what a character Whitey was that I developed a deep love for the man.

Which brings us to what you can expect here. In depth analysis? No, probably not too much of that. I mean, you don’t need me to tell you how brutal the Blackhawks’ power play is. There will be a lot of joking around though, on a more family-friendly level than what you see over at Hockeenight.

Because the thing to remember here is, hockey is a game. It’s supposed to be fun. It’s played in a building full of beer drinking loudmouths, not a cathedral. We’re here to have a good time. Or at least that’s what I’m here for.

So if there’s something going on in Chicago or elsewhere in the NHL that needs to be made fun of, I’m your man. Take that as warning, guys who wear #69 jerseys. Or people who have handmade signs in standing room. Or people in face paint. Or people who stand behind Steve Konroyd with puppets of themselves. Actually, especially the people with the puppets. Those things are just creepy.

Oh, also Ronnie Woo Dio, that guy with the long hair and knockoff jersey they keep showing on the United Center Jumbotron. The band that plays at Blackhawks games. Don Cherry. Pat and Edzo. The Madhouse Burger. Nickelback. Pretty much anything else that rattles around my mostly empty head.

There may even be the occasional serious piece here. But I probably wouldn’t get too used to those if I were you.

So, now that I feel a timer just went off and our speed date is done, let’s see where this takes us.

A conflicting tale of Mike Milbury alleged assault on a 12-year boy is coming to light. There seems to be a wide disparity between witnesses’ observations on the post-peewee game antics that has landed the off-air NBC analyst in hot water, crimes and misdemeanors.

Per this new take, evidently Milbury was merely breaking up a fight that developed post-game in a shoot around between his son and the 12-year old. All he was doing, per witnesses now quoted, was breaking them away from one another.

“No one was punched, kicked, or assaulted in any way,” … “I grabbed the other kid by the sweater to stop a fight and, yeah, I swore at him. That’s it. That’s what I did.”
-Mike Milbury said to NESN

In knowing much about Mad Mike, I’d like to use my imagination a bit to put forth some scenario where that would make some sense. Despite that this take will not be advocated by Milbury’s law team, paid for by his many years toiling on Long Island, I would like to think it would get their full support.

Scenario:

Mike Milbury is watching his son play hockey. He tried and tried to convince Junior to take up the cloth. After all, not many people know this, but the very prim and proper Milbury clan is very close to the clergy. But alas, much like his father, he has an innate feel for the game. Mike can’t disagree here, since he has an amazing ability to judge hockey talent. 

Junior is going to be a star. He skates like Gretzky. He works his stick like Mario Lemieux. He shoots like Bossy. He is the greatest thing on skates since Mary Lou Retton.

Mike watches the game while sipping some warm tea with honey. The air is tepid; the sun feels good on his brow. He slips away from the game itself, and begins to contemplate his next move as potential general manager. What will it be? Toronto? Burke is clearly in over his head. Perhaps LA? So many opportunities to consider…

Hark! Milbury feels something awry. On the ice, his son is getting battered and pummeled by some behemoth.

“Not my boy!” he cries, bounding from his seat and onto the ice. He moves like a cat, thanks to his thick regimen of Pilates and Tai Chi.

Mad Mike runs through the din, separated the two boys, grabbing the behemoth by the sweater.

“Off my kid, you big meanie!” he admonishes sternly to the boy.

Then Mike takes Junior by the arm and walk off into the sunset, those around him clapping and cheering. A real American hero.

People are always asking me, do I know about Brian Burke?

It was right in everyone’s face Brian and I just made it visible, it was right on the tip of everyone’s tongue, Brian and I just gave it a name, it was an event searching for a venue and we gave it a barn by Lake Placid

Gentlemen, welcome to NHL Fight Club

The first rule of NHL Fight Club is you do not tweet about NHL Fight Club.

The 2nd Rule of NHL Fight Club is you do not retweet BizNasty’s tweets about NHL Fight Club.

3rd Rule: If someone says “stop” or goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. Unless they’re a little fake artist.

4th Rule: is the Third Man in Rule … huh maybe we should make that the third rule

5th Rule: Only one fight at a time fellahs, unless NFL Fight Club is also running, then no fights allowed at all.

6th Rule: No shirts, No shoes …… jesus Rob Ray put your pants back on.

7th Rule: Fights will go on as long as the linesmen think they have to

8th Rule: If this is your first night at NHL Fight Club … you have to fight. Lay off Konopka, this is your 9th ‘first night’ in a row

What’s that Smell?

John Tortorella (scowling): “Well, that sucked from head to toe.” Tortorella changes the channel to FOX for the first football game of the day. “Well boys, let’s get to the table for Thanksgiving dinner.”

The team goes into the dining room and sits down. The players are all looking around at the spread, confused. Finally, Brad Richards points out what’s so conspicuously missing.

Richards:  “Um Torts, where’s the turkey?”

Tortorella: “I don’t know.”

Richards: “Is it still in the oven?”

Tortorella: “I have no idea.”

The entire team looks at Tortorella. He smirks, shakes his head and heads into the kitchen. He’s gone for awhile, which leads Ryan Callahan to go into the kitchen to see what’s going on. Callahan sees Torts with the turkey on the counter, looking at it.

Callahan:  “Um, coach, can I help you with that?”

Tortorella: “I’m not going to dissect this with you.”

Callahan:  “Um, OK. I’ll just go back out to the table then.”

Callahan exits the kitchen and rejoins his teammates at the table. A little while later, Tortorella emerges, with the carved-up turkey on a platter. He places it on the table, sits and looks at Sean Avery.

Tortorella: “OK Aves, you can leave the table.”

Avery: “What?”

Tortorella: “You’ve been at the table for five minutes. That’s enough.”

Avery: “But I haven’t eaten yet.”

Tortorella: “Yeah, I know. Don’t worry, I’m sure there will be leftovers if you’re hungry later.”

Avery: “The hell with it. I don’t want your seconds. Besides, Thanksgiving was on October 10^th.”

Avery gets up from the table, heads into the den where the football game is on the television, sits down and changes the channel to the Style Network.

Tortorella (scowls): “OK, well. I know this is the part where we all go around the table and say what we’re thankful for. But there’s a lot of us and I wanna keep this to like 15 seconds, so I’ll just say what I’m thankful for. I’m glad I got goaltenders that can save our asses night after night; that Girardi over here is superhuman or something; that Bob Gainey was stupid enough to take Gomez off our hands… oh yeah, and I’m thankful for Olivia Munn. Let’s eat.”

The guys begin helping themselves to the turkey and all the trimmings.

Henrik Lundqvist: “Hey guys, could someone pass me a dinner roll?”

Michael Del Zotto picks one up out of the basket, then passes it to Marian Gaborik, who passes it back to Del Zotto. He passes it to Richards, who passes it back to Del Zotto, who attempts to pass it back to Gaborik, but misses the mark. The roll winds up on the floor.

Lundqvist (rolls his eyes and sighs): “Never mind. I’ll get it myself.”

The team starts eating. Things are going smoothly until the doorbell rings, surprising the coach.

Tortorella: “Who the hell could that be?” He goes to the door and opens it. “Who the hell are you guys?”

24/7 Crewmember: “We’re from HBO. We’re here to film for 24/7.”

Tortorella: “No, no. Not today.” He begins to splash the bottle of water he’s holding at the crew. “You, you in the back there. You got beat up at the bus stop as a kid, didn’t you?”

The team, still gathered around the table eating, can hear the scuffling that’s taking place at the door. Avery wanders back into the dining room and grabs a drumstick off the turkey platter.

Brandon Dubinsky: “Do you guys think we should go help Torts?”

Avery: “Nah, he’ll be fine. I hope they had the cameras rolling when they showed up at the door. Sounds like it would make great TV.”

*******************************

Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!

“Like” Hockey Independent Rangers on Facebook

twitter.com/@CC_927

Why?

Because the laziest hockey blogger in the blogosphere recently got a hair transplant.

Yes. That’s me. Lazy and balding. Creatively-challenged and follicly-cursed. It’s not easy for a woman to admit this, so I’ll just share it with you, dear, dedicated Hockey Independent readers.

And, I owe you an apology for my laziness. I wrote at the beginning of last season that I would blog regularly. Then life and the job and writer’s block and the Islanders ginormous losing streak got in the way. But this season should have fewer injuries and a few more bright spots. Maybe that’s the optimist in me talking. Or maybe it’s the Vicodin. Who knows. What I do know is I can’t wait for this season to get started.

I realized I was in full hockey mode (Baseball? What baseball? The Mets played this season? In uniforms and everything?) while I was getting my transplant done. You see, turns out a transplant is an 8-hour process, and you get to watch TV while they sew new hair into your head. That’s right. I said into, not onto. And, yes, you’re awake while they do it. Drugged, but awake. In order to earn my TV rights I had to endure a number of shots to the back of my head a.k.a. the donor area (why they barely hurt at all!) and then a bunch to the front of my head a.k.a. the grafting area (HOLY CRAPBAGS did they hurt!!!…but only for a few seconds) until my noggin went numb. Then the surgeon, the wonderful Dr. Anthony Mollura, made 1,350 incisions in my head, which thanks to my anesthesia helmet, I couldn’t feel. After all that and an on-the-house lunch (I like to think the surgery was free and I ate the world’s most expensive turkey sandwich), I finally held the remote in my hands.

Now thanks to occasional stints of unemployment, I’ve gotten to know daytime TV. And I hate daytime TV. I wasn’t going to sit there trapped in a chair watching game shows or soaps or cartoons or people sitting around a coffee table yabbering and jabbering away (I get that expression from my Australian family, fair dinkum). I have zilch attention span, and even on a controlled substance I can’t sit through daytime television. What was I going to do?

Finally, I found a rebroadcast of a Rangers preseason game. “Mind if we watch hockey?” I asked the two nurses working on my head.

“Not at all, sweetie. You watch whatever you want.”

They were friendly young women who admitted they knew nothing about the game, but seemed very interested that I write about the Islanders and have met a good number of players through the Booster Club. After the conversation died down a little, one of them suddenly asked, “Have you seen Crosby?”

Crosby? Wow. Could it possibly be that even with their self-admitted non-existent hockey knowledge, they actually DO know the name of the sport’s biggest star? That’s a good thing! Hockey names becoming household names! Save our sport! Viva la Zamboni!

“No, I’ve never met him,” I said, “but I’ve seen him play.”

There was a super awkward pause until one nurse said, “Umm…Crosby is a guy we work with. I was asking her if she’d seen him come in today.”

I laughed at the uncanny coincidence. “Wow. That’s the name of one of the top hockey players. Sidney Crosby. He plays for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Well, he’s hurt right now. There you go. Now you do have some hockey knowledge.” Vintage Brenna. Always spreading the good word. Hallelujah.

Plus, you gotta admit, that’s real dedication. Watching preseason hockey during surgery? C’mon. I hope that wins me back the few points I lost not blogging for a year. Please, dear reader, consider it. Anyway, I did get to talk hockey during the procedure with the head nurse, Chris, who came in to relieve one of the others (it’s such an arduous process that you literally have a personal team working on you, and they switch off with each other to take breaks).

Chris sat down and upon noticing the TV, asked, “Are you a hockey fan?”

“Yes, very much so.”

“Rangers?” he asked.

“Nope. Islanders.”

“Really?” he said, surprised. “Well, I hope we can get along, ’cause I’m a huge Ranger fan.”

Now I needed to choose my words carefully. “Well, let me tell you two things. First, I won’t tell you how this game ends…”

“So you’re telling me the Rangers lose?”

“Uhhhh, maybe, but do NOT allow that very accurate and undeniable fact to disturb your focus!” I quipped. “And secondly, while you are sewing through the flesh on the top of my head, I too am a Ranger fan!”

Hey, there’s no fooling around here. I am more than willing to switch sides when we’re talking incisions and needles and blood. Chris laughed at my good-humored paranoia.

“What do you think I would possibly do to an Islander fan?”

That’s when I envisioned my head in my head. I see it – clear as day – six months from now – my little niece saying to me, “Aunt Brenna, your hair is starting to grow in! Hey, it looks like it says something…”

“…Aunt Brenna, what does ‘POTVIN SUCKS’ mean?”

It took 1,350 holes in the head and a bag of frozen pierogies to inspire me to write about hockey again.

Call it a case of ice on the brain.

Let’s get this season started.

It’s time for the return of the Yooper.

Ray Kaunisto, a 6-foot-4 left wing, played 57 games for Manchester last season, the Kings’ AHL affiliate. He had 14 points (8 goals, 6 assists) and finished with a minus-6 rating. Not exactly numbers that will shoot him past Brandon Kozun or Tyler Toffoli on the depth chart.

“To be realistic, I’m not a top-two liner,” Kaunisto says.

He knows his role and he’s sticking to it – “I like to be a defensive forward and I think I’m getting better at that as a pro – after being good at it in college.”

With four years at Northern Michigan under his belt, he signed with the Kings as a free agent in March 2010.

Even though the odds may be stacked against him flying to Europe with the Kings to start the season, he’s had a straight forward approach to training camp this week.

“How I look at it is, I come to camp and I do what I can,” said the 24-year old, who hails from the Upper Peninsula area of Michigan. “I’m going to go out there and play rough, I’m going to hit and try not to turn the puck over. I want to be good in my own zone. I’ll try to put in a couple of goals and be there for my teammates. If it doesn’t work out here – I hope to make the team here, that’s what everyone hopes here – but, I know that may not be the most realistic thing right now. The step after that is, go to the AHL and be a top player there.”

Right before camp opened though, he had to ship something back home – his wife. Married over the summer, the Mrs. was in town for a few days.

“She took a flight back to Vancouver for the next couple of weeks though.”

Earlier this summer, he also told us she was a big Ducks fan. So, how does he know she didn’t just head down the I-5 towards Anaheim to go check out their training camp?

“She might have snuck off that plane. You never know,” replied Kaunisto.

Although it didn’t make his bucket list, one of his stated goals this summer was to convert her to a Kings fan. Any luck?

“I think she’s a lost cause,” he quipped. “She likes goalies in the first place. So, we’re just on a totally different page there. She’s a fan of goalies and the Ducks, so I just don’t know what to do. I just won’t talk hockey with her anymore.”

With her out of SoCal now – supposedly – he’s taken to rooming with Rich Clune. Has there been any chirping going on back at the hotel?

“If you chip Cluner, he might give you the People’s Elbow from the other bed. Kozy’s (Kozun) always a good target because I know he’s not going to hit me with anything.”

Kaunisto saves most of his hits for ice these days, even though he’s rather do it as a center than his current wing position.

“I feel more comfortable at center,” explained Kaunisto. “In college it’s a little bit of a different system. It’s more guys running around like crazy. Just learning the pro game, everyone isn’t always in the right spot. It’s a lot harder to defend guys who are this good and this patient with the puck.”

Back in college, his point total also was much different as a center.
“I think it’s because I have a lot of speed coming through the neutral zone, coming through the middle. I want the puck all the time. So, when I’m at center, I can just curl low, get the puck from either the ‘D’ or the winger on the breakout. I like to carry the puck and I think that carries to a lot of points because I can just dish to the side, take a shot or go to the net. I’m always a guy who goes to the net when I play center.”

It’s not just the offense he can display at center, he thinks he’s a better defender from that position as well.

“The hardest part about playing wing is not seeing what’s coming from your back,” Kaunisto said. “When you’re getting a breakout pass to the d-man, you don’t know where that d-man is behind you, stepping down at the blueline. At center, when I get the puck, my head is already up – looking up ice. So, I know where everyone is at. A downfall of my game is I don’t have the best vision out there. When I’m at center, I’m looking up, my toes are pointed up ice and I can see everything in front of me. At wing, there’s always guys coming at your back that you can’t see. So, a lot of times I’ll get the puck poked off my stick or I’ll try to through a pass through the middle to a centerman and it will get picked off by their F3.”

Putting it simply – “I need to learn a few more things in the d-zone at center. Then, hopefully I’ll get my chance there again.”

With Corey Elkins and Oscar Moller not returning to Manchester this season, he plans on lobbying Monarchs coach Mark Morris to move back to center.

He’ll leave that for a face to face conversation.  Most of his other thoughts these days end up on twitter.

“Sometimes I cross the line. I think it’s funny to cross the line. I like doing that,” admits Kaunisto. “It’s fun and I just say whatever I feel like.”

Occasionally, people can take offense to things written on twitter. Has he had to block anybody yet?

“No, not yet. I’ve probably been blocked a few times though.”

His approach on twitter mirrors his approach when playing – “If somebody chrips me, I chirp back.”

The first round of roster cuts took place yesterday and he’s still here. Now, if he gets to play on Sunday against the Ducks – that could be interesting.

The Mayor
www.twitter.com/MayorNHL 
www.facebook.com/MayorsManor

RELATED ARTICLES:

Kaunisto talks Kozun, Clune and LA Kings Development Camp

Ray Kaunisto submits his bucket list – just a small taste of what goes on inside his head

Rich Clune says prospect Brandon Kozun ‘has a fire inside him’

Reports that Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby has suffered a setback in his recovery from a pair of concussions are being dismissed by his agent as merely ‘being in Halifax during the summer’

On Monday, CTV News reported that Crosby halted training after the reappearance of concussion-like symptoms including headaches, nausea, sensitivity to light, irritability and a compulsion for Clamato juice.

Pat Brisson, Crosby’s agent, said the centre has adjusted his training to address the long overdue sunshine and warm weather in Nova Scotia. “Listen, if you spend 6 hours on patios along Spring Garden Road with nothing in your belly but Corona and deep fried pepperoni you’d feel concussed too”.

Local proprietors, when given a list of concussion symptoms, tended to agree. Bartender Angus MacLean commented that “Loss of consciousness, vomiting & slurred speech? Yeah, that sounds like most of the regulars at wing night.” While server Anita Campbell deadpanned that Halifax born Brad Marchand’s post Stanley Cup ““concussion symptoms” are going to get him banned from the shooter bar if he keeps this up”.

Crosby himself remains evasive, when reached for comment he asked this reporter to “Keep it down for the love of God” and inquired “What day is it anyway?”

Recently Dmitry Chesnokov of Puck Daddy’s Yahoo Sports translated a Russian interview Kovalev had with Pavel Lysenkov of Sovetsky Sports. Alexei Kovalev was pretty clear for his dislike of Ottawa during his 2 year deal.

Kovalev is an interesting character. He has the skill set of some of the best hockey players in the National Hockey League but has an overblown case of narcissism.

Drafted by the New York Rangers in 1991(15th overall), Kovalev has had a turbulent career. Nights of wonderful skill and amazement dazzling the highlights. Other nights he’d disappear leaving people to question if he was really on the ice at all.

If you look in the dictionary for enigmatic you’ll see a picture of Alexei Kovalev. What’s Kovalev’s response to his enigmatic career you say? Well Kovalev had this to say  ” One journalist wrote it when I was still playing in New York, and then it all started. There are such reporters, who don’t watch hockey, don’t understand it — but they will still say that Kovalev doesn’t give his all. That he plays whenever he wants. They are short on their own opinion.” True media does overblow things but he’s not taking any responsibility for nights being benched or called out for his play.

Hmmmm…. ok so what else is the media’s fault? “The fact that I am criticized” says Kovalev (note: if you have a violin play something sad right now) My understanding in a cap salary league you are going to take some heat. Especially if you make $5 milion+. So Kovalev knew(hopefully knew) the risk of signing with a smaller market team in a city where their hockey is the only professional team. So haters going to hate!

What I love about Kovalev’s interview is his comments about former coach Cory Clouston and the Ottawa Media. Well we all know Clouston’s inability to communicate and have nice suits. So Kovalev’s comments about Clouston is understandable ”In two seasons I still couldn’t understand the ideas of our coach Cory Clouston. It seemed that he scoffed at some players.” Is this why Heatley left?… probably. ”You have to treat players kindly. If you leave someone on the bench you should explain why it happened. This is coach’s job. But when a player is benched and doesn’t understand what is happening, he becomes lost.” Kovalev isn’t a little kid anymore he should have understood why he was being benched without the coach telling him. Oh wait I forgot you have a bit of narcissism.

Well then Mr Kovalev I suggest you read the paper?  Oh wait Kovalev’s opinion of Ottawa journalists is that they don’t watch hockey.”When they fly with the team and go through the [metal detector] at an airport, their bags are filled with beer. You realize right away what these people do when they write about the NHL”. Well I’ve gotta say those journalists might be in the wrong line of work and might want to check out the movie “Layer Cake” for some ideas.

I just don’t understand why he can’t take the blame. Even with his brief stint in Pittsburgh ”Everything was fine. I had played for Pittsburgh before. The atmosphere doesn’t change there. But my style didn’t fit with the game coach Dan Byslma was implementing. There is nothing else to explain it with.” Oh well that’s life! By the way here’s great song about Kovalev’s return to Pittsburgh 

Kovalev is still a great player not many have scored 1000 points and played in 1302 games. But do I think he’s a hall of famer? Not at all. But I’ll remember him for this 

Click here to view the embedded video.

Enjoy the KHL Alex Kovalev! I really hope that he complains about the ice size adjustment or the journalists bring suitcases full of vodka on flights haha.

Thanks for reading

jamezfraser

Thanks to the magic of the Internet, I learned that there were 10 – yes 10 – nominees this year for that award, which is miraculous that they could even find 10 worthy films given most of the dreck put out these days.

I am utterly embarrassed to admit that among all of the nominated movies, I have seen a whopping 1 of them. In an effort to educate myself and figure out which movie I should be pulling for (the one I did actually see I wasn’t all that crazy about), I thought I’d spend Saturday seeing some of the nominees. Besides, I figured I need a few hours away from all of the craziness of the trades that have gone down and all of the trade rumors that have been running rampant with the deadline coming up on Monday.

Here’s a look at some of the nominees that I found are playing at my local multiplex when I looked in the newspaper this morning:

The Fighter **** (R)  Derek Boogaard and Donald Brashear co-star in this drama exploring the remarkably perplexing signings of enforcers since Colton Orr departed the New York Rangers via free agency.

The Kids Are All Right *** (R)  A plucky group of young hockey players (Derek Stepan, Mats Zuccarello, Ryan McDonagh lead the ensemble cast) take it upon themselves to step up once key members of their team (Marian Gaborik, Ryan Callahan, Brandon Dubinsky) become injured, redefining roles and raising questions of who really belongs.

The King’s Speech **** (R)   With his team on the brink of potentially missing the playoffs for the second straight year and its captain on the sidelines, a Swedish goaltender (Henrik Lundqvist) finds it within himself to overcome his own frustrations and struggles and delivers a dressing room address that inspires his fellow Rangers.

True Grit (PG-13) ****  Twenty-six-year-old hockey player (Brandon Prust) plays through his injured shoulder, injured hand and injured thumb. Brian Boyle co-stars.

127 Hours **** (R)  Based on a true story. A harrowing and gut-wrenching re-telling of how long the New York Rangers played without a lead. Over the eight games the Rangers examine their play and  finally discover they have it within themselves to actually score first in a game.

The Social Network *** (PG-13)  A young francophone living in the suburbs (PA Parenteau) tries to rebuild his social life after a well-connected Manhattanite (Sean Avery) uses all of his connections to ban him from all of the city’s hotspots.

All sound pretty compelling, and I’m not sure which I’m going to see. But whether you’re heading to the movies or taking in some hockey, enjoy the final weekend before the trade deadline!

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On January 11th 2011 the Canucks were due to start a 5 game road trip and had just won four of its previous 5 games, the only loss was in the shootout to an injury plagued Detroit side.

Until this point in the season Vancouver had managed to only endure a few minor player injuries. A year earlier the team was struck by the injury bug that for a while meant that there were a total of eight players in the sickbay at any one time.

Then on January 11th Mike Gillis recorded part one of an interview for Canucks TV called “From The Top With Kristin Reid”. During the interview he discusses his teams success so far. At 2:20 minutes into the video Kristin Reid asks about Sami Salo, Gillis gives an update on his recovery.

The conversation then moves on to how management plans to fit Salo’s salary under the cap. At around the 3:49 mark, Mike Gillis utters these fateful words “ We are unsure what the future holds, you could play a game tonight and someone could get injured.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

“Or you could play a game three nights later and not one but two players get injured.”

On January the 14th during a game against Washington, defenseman Bolduc suffered a shoulder injury while d-man Rome sprained his MCL. Then 2 days later another defenseman Andrew Alberts fell victim to a shoulder ailment, against the Wild.

Perhaps the most severe affliction to a Canuck player and most detrimental to the squad happened on the 24th, when Alex Edler injured his back which resulted in him requiring surgery.

Edler has undoubtedly been the best Canuck defenseman this year; his absence will leave a huge gap. The Swedish rear guards recovery is estimated to be 8-10 weeks, or it could be much longer. Luckily Alberts and Rome took their first practice on Monday, so they might return sooner than anticipated.

Maybe next time Mike Gillis does an interview he will not tempt fate!

On Twitter CanuckEdge

With a paltry 20 points so far this season, the Devils are on pace for a dismal 50-point season, which would be one of the worst seasons since the inception of the overtime loser point. Their 59 goals also are the fewest in the NHL, despite having offensive weapons like Ilya Kovalchuk, Travis Zajac, Patrick Elias and Jason Arnott.

“It’s a decision that certainly is not one that’s pleasant or we feel good about,” Devils president and general manager Lou Lamoriello said. “But it’s a decision that, in my opinion, had to be made.”

The Devils, who have been outscored 15-3 in the last three games, have been playing without inspiration or desperation so far this year.
The 15-year, US$100-million contract signed by Ilya Kovalchuk in the off-season is the worst thing that could have happened to the Veils, a perennial playoffs contender over the past 15 years.

Firing MacLean was an easy decision for Lamoriello as the players never seemed to adjust to his style of play which is hard to define. While not an adept of playing the trap, MacLean is not inclined to an offensive style of play, as a result, the players don’t really know how to play on the ice and where to go. This leads to sloppy plays and a difficult transition from the defense to the offense.

The ongoing line-shuffling has also been a problem for New Jersey so far this campaign as top-players keep playing with new teammates from one game to another and even midway through games.

Injuries to high-scoring winger Zach Parise, goaltender Martin Brodeur and other key players have hurt the Devils, who were forced to play a few games earlier this season with less than 18 skaters because they were up against the NHL’s salary cap.

They already have utilized 30 different skaters and 3 goaltenders due to the various injuries and many underperforming players. As a result, their best scorer is Patrick Elias, who has only 23 points in 32 games and a -10 plus/minus differential. Their new franchise player Ilya Kovalchuk has only eight goals and ten assists for 18 points in 32 games this year. He is also boasting a dismal -22 plus/minus ratio.

So how can we address our coaching problems? Why not re-hire Jacques Lemaire for a third time? Hell, Lemaire is obviously the only experienced coach available, so it’s a good idea to bring him back and his boring defensive system to jumpstart the most inept offense in the league right? One would wonder why the Devils didn’t not hire a more offensive-minded head coach like Michel Therrien or Bob Hartley, who are available…

No, Lamoriello went back to Lemaire, who announced his retirement as a head coach in the NHL on April 26, 2010. He has not won a single playoff series since 2002-03 when he was coaching the Minnesota Wild. Yes he won a Stanley Cup with the Devils back in 1995, but he is not the solution to put this miserable hockey team back on track this season. New Jersey needs at least 70 more points to make the playoffs this season and to do so they would need to win 35 of their 49 remaining games… a .700 winning pace!

What do you think of Lou Lamoriello’s decision to fire John MacLean and to replace him with Jacques Lemaire?

For more hockey news and discussions, you can also follow me on Twitter!

The jerseys were hung in their lockers with care,
Knowing that soon the Islanders would be there.

The Dolans were home fast asleep in their beds,
Visions of playoff revenue going “ka-ching” in their heads.

And John Tortorella in his office down the hall.
Was trying to solve issues both great and small.
When out on the ice there was such a noise,
Torts wondered, “Is it Santa bringing me help for my boys?”

He jumped out of his chair and raced down to the ice.
“I hope Santa remembered this season I’ve been nice!
Maybe he’ll bring me an enforcer who spars.
Or maybe even Brad Richards of the Dallas Stars?”

There was an old driver, he could see from afar.
But since when did Santa smoke a big, fat cigar?

“That can’t be St. Nick!” Torts yelled. “It must be a phony!
The last time I checked he doesn’t drive a Zamboni!”

As he resurfaced the ice, the closer he came,
Exhaling smoke and calling some of the roster by name:

“Hank, Dubi, Cally, Prust, Boyle and Gaby.
Staal and Girardi, those guys ain’t too shabby!
Derek Stepan and Michael Del Zotto
may make mistakes but play the kids is our motto!”

As Torts looked on he smirked then gave a frown.
Until off the Zamboni Slats finally came down.

He was dressed in a suit, from his head to his toe.
Still chomping away on his cigar, don’t you know.

“Slats!” Torts said. “I thought you were Santa!”
Slats laughed. “He can’t get you what you’re really after.”

“I could use a faceoff man,” Torts said. “And defensive help.
And can you work some magic to get Cally off the shelf?”

Again Slats chuckled. “I don’t want to play spoiler.
I guess then you don’t want Souray the exiled Oiler?
But I could do something I saved us some bucks.
Ain’t you glad we didn’t sign Ilya Kovalchuk?”

Torts shook his head. “I know you’re not dense.
But we also really could use some power play offense.
There’s gotta be a team who’ll take a player that’s lame.
Can’t you call Darryl Sutter of the Calgary Flames?”

“Nah,” Slats said “I don’t think I wanna.”
“Well,” Torts said. “Maybe try for Kaberle from Toronto?”

Slats said, “I get it and  I don’t mean to be uncouth.
You know to get we’d have to give up some youth.”

“Yeah,” Torts said. “I know, I know.
But if a good offer comes think about it though.
No matter what happens you know you’ll be fine.
But I’m the one who’s job’s on the line.”

Slats got back on the Zamboni and started it up.
“C’mon Torts, we know this year we won’t win the Cup.
But maybe after the New Year we’ll do something exquisite.
We can talk then, come pay me a visit.”

Torts nodded a moment and started to think.
“Wait a minute. Won’t you be out on the golf links?”

As he drove away Slats called, “Could you ask anything stranger?
Until I see you again remember, I am a Ranger!”

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I just want to take a moment to wish all of you a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year. Thank you all so much for reading and commenting. I am truly grateful.

———————————————————————————————————————-

The New York Rangers have joined HockeyIndependent.com’s Facebook family!  Pay a visit here to talk more about your Broadway Blueshirts and be sure to hit the “Like” button too.

While I wouldn’t deem to tell the great Stan Lee how to do his job, here are just a few suggestions. Check out these and many more on Twitter with the hashtag #NHLSuperheroes.

DucksMan: Astonishingly, only became truly Mighty when released from one of the world’s most powerful organizations.

BruinsMan: Scales to dizzying heights, only to be taken down when confronted by too many men.

CanesMan: Makes high profile trips to Europe for seemingly no good reason.

BlueJacketMan: Difficulty flying due to only having one good wing.

RedWingsMan: Not only has 8 legs, can see the future (especially in the late rounds of the draft).

HabsMan: Displays uncanny longevity and the ability to spark a riot with either success or failure.

FlyersMan: Spent billions on his secret lair, uses a rusty old screen door to protect it. (Tip of the hat to good friend and HI contributor John Saquella for this one!)

CoyotesMan: Not especially powerful, but quickly drains dry anyone who tries to control him.

PenguinsMan: seems all-powerful, but every few years, needs some kid to come along to rejuvenate him.

SharksMan: Escapes harm by playing dead in any pressure situation.

LeafsMan: Accomplishes very little on his own, but routinely provides valuable resources to others.

CanucksMan: Ability to appear to be in two places at once.

CapsMan: Amazingly dynamic and popular, yet no one who follows him can tell you anything about his history.

Day 1 – Dear diary, I have arrived in New Jersey. While the city itself is a tad busier than Atlanta, I still feel like I am at home. My new condo fits me well, and the couple across the street enjoy making the sex with the curtains open. I can’t help but stare at the silky skin glistening in the moonlight. That guy must work his glutes daily. I’m such a little devil for looking. Oh no, his wife sees me. I must move now.

Day 8 – Dear diary, I scored some good points against the Maple Leafs and my agent found me a new condo. I look out my window and see city, but no more people across the street. That is a shame. I am invited to a slumber party on Saturday at Zach Parise’s house. If it’s anything like it was in Atlanta, everyone will have fun until Dany Heatley drives home.

Day 22 – Dear diary, I just got an e-mail from Don Waddell. I guess he’s still upset with me for wanting to leave. I thought I was very clear when he offered me a 10-year deal and I said “no thank you, I want to play for an NHL team.” He told me he lied about all the times he said I looked gorgeous and that I am not as pretty as I think I am. He’s obviously delusional because I am definitely a sexy piece of ass. Those pictures I took of myself in a skimpy devil suit will never be sent to him now. His loss.

Day 72 – Dear diary, I know I have not wrote you in a while, but today Ilya is sad =( tear drops I cannot draw and that makes me even more sad. I was never good in art class, but that’s not why I write you today. The Devils are kicked out of playoffs. Two times I go to playoffs and two times my team is out in first round. I scored six points in five games, but fans not happy. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I like my condo, but with no happy fans and no sex across street, I am not happy with New Jersey. What should I do?! Are you there?! Can you read this?! Answer me!!!!! Cry face!

Day 125 – Dear diary, I stopped writing you because you ignored me when I was sad. But I have something I need to tell you. Don Waddell is still angry. He got players from Stanley Cup winning team and is making fun of me for having no contract. He says “I have Dustin Buff, uh, Biff, uh, Bif Naked, or Fugly, Big Fugly Inn keeper, whatever his name is, you sucksorz! 3a7 @$$ K0v@1$uCk! 1337z0rz!” I do not speak code! What does this say?!

Day 132 – Dear diary, I am now a free agent. All I hear all day is ringing and agent keeps asking me “will you take this?” I do not want short-term, I hate Waddell, I need very big contract to get back at him for his secret code that has kept me awake at night. What the hell is a sucksorz?! Waddell e-mailed me today a video on youtube that said “Kovalchuk’s most awesome goals”, but some guy starting singing to me! The words are stuck in my head! “NEVER GUNNA GIVE YOU UP!” GAHHHH!

Day 135 – The Los Angeles Kings called me and said they like me, and want to schedule a meeting with me. My phone scares me and someone keeps sending me letters that have more numbers and letters in them. This one says U 1$ Da F@i1! I am so alone!

Day 139 – I had my meeting with the Los Angeles Kings at my condo. They don’t seem to like me anymore. I have built a man-fort in the corner of my living room and pushed my fridge beside it so I never have to leave. Technology scares me, and the only two things I can trust are you and my pencil, and my pencil just broke! I need to bite off parts of the wood to continue writing, brb!

Okay I am back. I used the bite stuff to create a small fire for my pet mouse, his name is Brian Gionta. He eats peanut butter, so we share. The Kings people left my place because they did not like it when I asked Gionta if the deal looked good. I told them I wanted him in my trade clause and they walked out.

Day 142 – Dear diary, Gionta is gone and I’m starting to wonder if he ever existed. I haven’t shaved in weeks and I think there’s something in my beard that’s tickling me. Oh wait! Maybe that’s Gionta!

Day 142 and a half – Dear diary, it was Gionta in my beard, but because I have no food left in my fridge, I had to eat him. I am so sad again, tearie face, but I ate him with peanut butter so he doesn’t get lonely in my stomach.

Day 150 – The Devils came over today and asked me if I still want to play hockey. I told them I did. They asked me for how long, and I told them for 370 Ilykov moons. They stared at me for a few minutes until they finally said “ok” and handed me a contract. I signed it and gave Waddell a little message.

Day 151 – The NHL says my contract isn’t good. They said “this isn’t compliant within the CBA”, and I said “you’re not compliant with the CBA!” And he said “what?” and I said “WHAT?!” Then there was a long pause and I said “you called the wrong number bitch!” Then I hung up. I sure showed him!

Day 171 – The obituaries guy told us my contract is not good and said it doesn’t count. I don’t understand what is going on. I wish Brian Gionta was here right now to tell me what I should do. Maybe I will go back to Russia and find a new Brian Gionta that I can pet and kiss and be with. I miss Brian Gionta. I miss how he would lick me before we went to sleep in my man-fort. Ilya is sad again.

Day 199 – I have a new contract with the Devils, hopefully this time it goes through. Ilya is happy! Also, I learned how to read and write Leet today, and now I know what Waddell wrote to me. Here is my new contract.

Micheal A. Aldred

Our first letter today is from Slavomir Lener, the hockey director of the Czech National teams, and he writes, "dear Bovi. I am angry with the CHL hockey. They take our players away from us. We are not happy with loss of good hockey. They need to stop this. Help me stop them. I am available for planning hockey takeover in Canada. They are small people. What say you? Also, please wish my mother a happy birthday."

Hello Lener, and happy birthday to your mother. I hope you understand that while you should urge your young stars to stay in their respected countries to practice and work on their game, the CHL does present some rather serious benefits.

Consider from this graph that the amount of drafted Nordic players are significantly increasing on a year to year basis, while European players are on the decline. This is due to the improving Nordic development program. Also keep in mind that most of the draft features Canadians as the forefront, and with more kids buying into the system and coming over to work on their game through the CHL, it has greatly affected their overall potential and helps them gain more publicity for the draft. In all fairness, maybe you should start keeping track of your kids fleeing to Sweden and Finland rather than Canada.

Next up, we have a letter from Bob McCown, he writes "dear BJ, I am not a fan of the way fighting is handled in the NHL. I think they should do what other leagues do and start ejecting players from the game if they get into a fight. Do not reply because I am not going to read this later."

First of all, I have no idea who you are. In fact, I doubt anyone has ever heard of you. You sound like a Texas McDonald's burger creation, and we all know not to trust clowns. You need to not talk anymore. We are talking about hockey – a sport that thrives on testosterone. This is not golf, or a burger eating contest, or whatever else you crazy Texans do. But if a fight should break out during one of your fastest-make-up-applicator contest, you can bet I'll be the first to cheer. Also, who gave you a microphone? If we want to hold a meeting on how to convert the NHL into Ringette, we'll make sure we call you first. Which brings me to the most important point of all – never let a Texas, golfing clown have a microphone.

Seen Here: Bob McCown holding a burger cutter, and a hand putter.

Lastly, we have a letter from Glenn Healy. He writers "BJ, my man! I am hanging at the World Summit, dawg! Just told the world they need to make sure the rinks are made right for the next Winter Olympics! I feel great! Having that microphone in my hands really made me feel like a somebody! No more being banned from people's tree-houses. I feel important! Like the owner of a riding lawnmower, just staring at the people with push mowers, giving them the what up face as I cut my grass while drinking a Cosmopolitain. Whoever said drinking and mowing was a bad idea never did it in style like I do!"

Seen Here: While everyone has their eye on the prize, Glenn can spot a Cosmo from a mile away.

Well Glenn, there's something you need to know. It's a bit difficult to say, but here goes… you're not a real person. Oh, wow, that was actually much easier than I thought it would be. Please, please, Glenn, let me continue. Your opinion doesn't, nor will it ever, matter. No one ever listens when you speak, and Hockey Night in Canada hired you out of pity and also to have someone for Mike Milbury to yell at. Fortunately, you have achieved an incredible goal in your career as a hockey player, and that is called mediocrity. You and Lee Stempniak have a lot in common. You both should be gagged, you both were paid to float, and neither of you ever knew how to play hockey. I suggest you call him up and invite him out for a Cosmo or two. I think you two would be the best of friends.

Now that I've finished telling you that, you're idea of having Dan Craig run the ice-surfaces at the next Winter Olympics was a great comment. I look forward to you contributing another successful thought next year, since you are limited to just one spontaneous positive idea per year.

That's all the time we have today, I look forward to reading new letters next time. Until then, remember to be just as close as your Holy Ghost is. Cheers everyone!

Check out More Letters to BJ Here:

Letters to BJ: Kariya, Stempniak and Lamoriello

But my job and independence are both coming into play here. One of the things I do for a living is write rules. You know all that fine print that comes along with contests  you enter that you probably don’t read? Yeah, that’s me.

So it kind of got me thinking. Aside from all the fine print in the CBA that nobody really reads regarding the rules of free agency, what if the NHL issued a dumbed-down version to executives and players alike?

Without further ado, here’s what I envision they’d look like:

OFFICIAL RULES FOR NHL FREE AGENCY

A limit of one overpriced, too-long contract per NHL team per free agency period. Multiple contracts of this nature in the same free agency period may be subject to ridicule and disbelief by journalists, fans, bloggers, tweeters and in secret by other General Managers alike (Glen Sather, we’re looking right at you).

All who are free agents by 12:00 P.M., ET on 7/1 of each calendar year will be eligible for a new contract. To obtain a new contract, get your agent to negotiate with teams, stand your ground and come to an agreement with one of them. Upon receipt of your signature on the dotted line, you will become a member of said team.

The highest bidder for your services wins. That is, unless you’re the sentimental type who wants so badly to play in a particular city that you’ll take less money to do so.

You may receive multiple contract offers from several teams. You may only choose one. Various presentations of contract offers may be presented to your agent. The one that you agree on will be the one that you are bound to, possibly for the next 10 years or until your new club realizes they made a horrible mistake and decides to buy you out.

Contract will be paid as follows: You will be paid your agreed-upon salary weekly per contract year for the agreed-upon number of years until your contract expires. If you are bought out, good for you! You will receive two-thirds of your salary for double the years you had remaining on the contract. You will have the option to sit on your behind for that time and let the cash roll in or you can seek employment with another team, either in the NHL, KHL or other European team and collect a second paycheck!

Sales pitches will be made in person or over the phone at each team’s option. Oh, who are we kidding. This isn’t the NBA! Teams aren’t jetting to see Ilya Kovalchuk in Russia or wherever he’s spending his off-season the way NBA teams are swarming all over Akron to suck up to LeBron James. And it doesn’t take us a week to get these deals done. The NHL is able to get those terms all ironed out in nanoseconds. How else can they possible start announcing them right at noon on the dot on July 1st? Acceptance of the contract leaves both parties subject to speculation, shock, disbelief and all of the other things mentioned in paragraph one.

NHL approval of the contract is final. Contracts may not be ended early, unless you are bought out. Taxes are the player’s responsibility.

By entering into a contract, both sides agree to be bound by them, that is unless the team has had enough of you and buys you out or puts you on waivers; or if the team bullies you into waiving your no trade clause so you can be dumped on Darryl Sutter in Calgary (this is known as the Kotalik); or if you’re sick of the team and become such a malcontent that you force the team into trading you elsewhere for not much more that a bag of pucks. The team you signed with is not responsible for heckling, booing and jeering by the home fans who may deem you unworthy of the deal you signed.

NHL
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
(212) 789-2000

We here at HockeyIndependent strive to investigate thoroughly any and all issue or NHL scandal. When Pronger stole the Stanley Cup game pucks, we here snapped into action. We have conducted a thorough investigation into Mr. Pronger and this is what we discovered in his Philly suburb house…

The Brinks Job:

If one looks closely, you can see that Pronger still has the Brinks sacks of money, using them as pillowcases in his guest bedroom. Back in the 70’s a brazen gaggle of robbers made off with some sacks of cash, embarassing the Brinks company with a successful brazen attempt on their armored truck.

It also made a godawful 1978 flick directed by the Excorcist director, William Friedkin, starring Peter Falk.

A Goodfella?

Chris Pronger might have been the mastermind behind the infamous Lufthansa Heist. Little did you know that the famous cargo heist from Goodfellas really happened. A women seduced and distracted JFK guards, and the robbers made off with wads of cash. Basically, they walked right into the Air France cargo terminal at JFK and left with USD $420,000. A nice tidy sum, or as Pronger calls it: Stripper Money.

The 2010 Crosby Olympic Gear Heist

You might think that Crosby got his gear back. But little do you know, they are just cheap facsimiles. The real original stuff sits in Pronger’s den along with  several other great lost treasures like a Picasso painting.

Mystery Solved!

Biggest of all is this sketch we uncovered. Chris Pronger is none other than DB Cooper? This might explain a lot, including his whisking away late in the night from Edmonton.

Whoever wins the cup, they better hold onto it for dear life. Pronger is in town.

(this satire was done live from the Wachovia Center, Philadelphia

Cole Harbour natives are known to partake in these "bets" whenever challenged, but the track record of their success is mediocre, leading many readers of another "loss" in the event wondering why they even continue the practice of it.

The "Cole Harbour Salmonizer" is a food eating contest in which two or more competitors sit opposite each other at a circular table while silver platters of deep fried salmon are placed in front of them. The competitors hands are tied behind their backs using 10 pound test fishing line. The object of the game is to finish eating all the salmon on your platter before your opponent finishes his or gives up due to the loss of feeling in both his hands. The amount of salmon is determined in pounds based on how many important people have come out of Cole Habour. For each important person born and raised in Cole Harbour, you add 1 pound. Right now, the pound value of the "Cole Harbour Salmonizer" is 8lbs; however, this is under review because Craig Hillier, a goaltender drafted by the Pittsburgh Penguins, never played in the NHL thus making him unimportant.

Sidney Crosby lost the event to Mario Lemieux's wife, Nathalie. Reportedly, she won the competition after her eldest daughter, Lauren, advised her that she did not have to chew. Had Crosby won the event, he would have gained titleship to Mario Lemieux' yacht and second bathroom – because Crosby's ego could not be contained by just one.

Crosby has rushed out and purchased his new home, to which he will be moving in sometime in the very near future… unless he suddenly finds himself in Gretzky's basement first.

There is speculation that Lemieux said the reasoning for the challenge was due to Lauren nearly becoming of age, but that could have just been me talking to myself again.

Other reports of this even taking place at the NHL level include Joe DiPenta losing to his agent and thus signing a one-year contract with Frolunda HC of Elitserien, and Cam Russell who lost the event to QMJHL Halifax Moosehead's owner, and is now serving as the team's head coach.

On a more broad level, John Paul Tremblay, best known for his role as Julien on the Trailer Park Boys, has never lost the event. Ever. Because he's a bad ass.

See what I mean?

Micheal A. Aldred

http://bit.ly/aoAacX (can be seen via Google Cache)

Al Rankin writes under the name Duncan_Disorderly. He’s been our main satire guy for the season. He’s hit with some great ones like Brian Burke’s Time Travel piece, the infamous Bryan McCabe on the Phaneauf trade, and so many more.

But it is this last one that will now live in MSNBC infamy:
Canucks Wellwood & O’Brien Fined For Planning Deep Dish Pizza Crawl

It was picked up by NBC Chicago and then MSNBC themselves, with the following added to their own take which was met with giggles and some degree of horror:

“The Canucks’ press office could not immediately confirm the report, but the Independent published a screen cap of the invite…Center Kyle Wellwood and defenseman Shane O’Brien will be reprimanded, but to what extent isn’t clear.”

Imagine that it is quite likely that Wellwood and O’Brien were actually questioned on a pizza crawl by the Vancouver Media Department.

The piece has subsequently been taken down. Some have wondered if it deserved a retraction than simply trying to remove it from the site, but one has to wonder about a lot of MSM things these days as they picked it up as fact in the first place.

Of course, once I tweeted about it on twitter, all hilarity ensued as it was retweeted across the NHL twittersphere with much mirth, incredulity and bafflement.

TWITTER REACTION:

5holeblog: @BDGallof Kyle Welwood is fat his hit the MSM.

icybits: @BDGallof MSNBC will be reporting stories from the #Onion next. Nice satire from you. Brutal reporting from them.

GTBradLee: @BDGallof I like how MSNBC sic’d the text and had the screencap as “evidence.” Well done.

felixpotvin: hahahahahahaha RT @BDGallof: MSNBC picks up our sites satire reports it as fact & questions the Vancouver org over it. http://bit.ly/aNaKLa

JonJordan: Absolutely HILARIOUS! RT: @BDGallof MSNBC picks up our satire, reports it as fact & questions Vancouver org over it. http://bit.ly/aNaKLa

HockeyJoeGM: Journalism = dead. RT @BDGallof: MSNBC picks up our sites satire reports it as fact & questions Vancouver over it. http://bit.ly/aNaKLa

Space_Weed: MSM fails again RT @BDGallof: MSNBC picks up our sites satire reports it as fact & questions the Vancouver org over it. http://bit.ly/aNaKLa

felixpotvin: @BDGallof jesus I can’t stop laughing

Editor's Note to MSNBC: This isn't REALLY Felix Potvin.

DownGoesBrown: If you missed this… um, wow. RT @BDGallof: MSNBC picks up our site’s satire, reports it as fact. http://bit.ly/aNaKLa

mlse: Wellwood is so fat a deep dish pizza crawl is believable RT @BDGallof: MSNBC picks up our satire reports it as fact http://bit.ly/aNaKLa

KenGHarrison: *facepalm* RT @BDGallof: MSNBC picks up our site’s satire, reports it as fact. http://bit.ly/aNaKLa (via @DownGoesBrown)

Sean_Leahy: Awww MSNBC finally took down the @BDGallof link. Though, it’s  not entirely false that Wellwood, Brodeur & Hitchcock would be FB friends

Al_Rankin: @BDGallof Ha they removed all trace of it now. My time in the sun has passed.

Not quite Al. This just came over the wire on Deadspin:

NBC Falls For Silly NHL Pizza Party Hoax

We at HI are a mix of credentialed bloggers, satirists, and up-and-comers. We talk exception when something clearly comedic is misconstrued….but will be assuaged by the hilarity that it just keeps on giving. Mainstream Media needs to read and filter what it aggregates or gets reposted. We’ll just keep doing what we do best.

- BD

Here is a short math’s test, with some simple questions, about three friends called Alex, Mason and Ryan.

Question One: Alex, Mason, and Ryan each have a bag of pucks. In Alex’s bag there are 35 pucks, Mason has 25 pucks and Ryan also has 25. If you add up all of the pucks what is the total?

Question Two: Mason, Alex, and Ryan like to collect hockey jerseys, Mason has 28 jerseys, Ryan has 50 and Alex has 32. How many jerseys do the three friends have all together?

Question Three: During a period of one month each friend likes to consume various energy drinks, Ryan has 75 bottles a month Alex gulps on 67 and Mason quenches his thirst by having 53 drinks. If you add up the combined number of energy drinks each friend has over the month what is the total?

If you are still reading this, don’t worry you haven’t accidentally been directed to a teach yourself math’s website. The three friends in each question are of course Burrows Raymond and Kesler. Question one actually pertains to the amount of goals each player has scored over the course of the 09/10 regular season, that figure is 85.Question two represents the number of assists the forwards had this season, 115. Finally the third sum corresponds to the maximum number of points individually earned, if you tally each quantity up the skaters have 195 points.

This season the Canucks second line has had many guises but on more than one occasion it has been manned by the aforementioned trio of Burrows Kesler and Raymond, most recently in the first round playoff series against the Kings. The Canucks were able to terminate LA’s playoff assault by committing regicide when the Kings were defeated this Sunday in game six of the first round.

Over the course of this best of seven games match up the Canucks second line wasn’t able to contribute a great deal to the teams overall scoring production. Each member of that line has had a career year and is a very talented unit. So why, in the playoffs, have the threesome only managed to score three goals (a goal each), and why is Kesler the lone player on the second line to register an assist?

The third line has scored six goals, four of which were Bernier’s; Bernier is currently tied for second place on the Canucks playoff stats. In Fifty-six games prior to the post season Bernier managed to score a paltry 11 goals. That’s twenty-four fewer than Burrows, so why is Bernier out scoring the Canucks leading goal scorer, after just six playoff games? Why does the third line have 12 points, whereas the second line only has 8?

Does this really matter?

After all Vancouver have progressed to the next round of the playoffs, and will be facing an old foe in the Blackhawk’s. Chicago ended the Canucks cup run this time last year, so the rivalry will mean that Burrows Kesler Raymond and their teammates will be working indefatigably to exact revenge. When all is said and done a win is a win, regardless of who produces the most goals assists or points for their team, but having a second line that can consistently add to team scoring makes the job that much easier, especially in the quest for the cup.

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Each night I tune into the playoffs, to see how all those teams I don’t root for are doing. So far throughout the “second season” I have been consistently surprised. I mumble things to myself like, “Oh yeah, I forgot the Kings made it” (I know they lost their series) or, “Oh yeah, I forgot Nashville made it” (I know they lost, too) or, “Holy Moses Jesus, how about those Coyotes?” and “Never count out the Habs, the g**damn Yankees of hockey” (we’ll know about those series soon enough). Having no strong feelings about any teams involved, I just like to see what’s going on. I like to check out all the free agents who won’t sign with my team. Mostly I sit there looking at all the underdogs who somehow made it in and wonder if the Islanders will be good enough to be one of those teams next year.

I have faith in my team and my general manager, but I laugh when I hear ownership or coaches or a commentator or even the delusional Islander fan claim we significantly improved this year. C’mon. We pick fifth. Let me draw it out for you: 1, 2, 3, 4, us. And if we hadn’t gotten a point in that very last game – damn you Pittsburgh and your “finals-itis”!!! – we’d be picking fourth. Oh yeah, we’re significantly better. We’re light years better. It’s night and day. Wow, who is this team? Did somebody kidnap the real Islanders? Somebody call the FBI.

Please pardon my italicized sarcasm. As the popular “truisms” forward that’s going around would say, there is a great need for a sarcasm font.

Let’s not kid ourselves. There is a ton of room for improvement. Are they better than last year? Yes, but there really wasn’t anywhere to go but up. But here’s food for thought; if we hadn’t lucked out with Moulson, where would we be? Maybe only staring at Edmonton in our rearview mirror?

The glass is not half full. The glass is half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth…all right, that’s Janeane Garafalo’s quote, not mine. But her famous joke perfectly illustrates my fan philosophy; as a true fan, you have to accept reality over optimism, no matter how much reality bites. Hey! There’s that Janeane again. Eh, she’s probably a Devils fan.

So, what do I do? Wallow in my pity and get angry with every Islander fan with that Pollyanna look in their eyes, believing that hope springs eternal? Well, I’ll continue to be a realist, but I can force myself to be an optimistic realist. This team has miles to go before they’re playoff contenders, but I guess it’s never too early to dream.

I admit it. I wouldn’t mind some other fan of some other team mumbling to themselves next April, “Holy Moses Jesus, how about those Islanders?”