Well, it’s the second half of the season. The Blue Jackets are more miserable than ever to watch and even more miserable to write about.
After all – what’s left to write about? Rick Nash trade speculation? Front office firing speculation? Jeff Carter turning from a 40-goal scoring sniper into an emo whose feelings are apparently hurt worse than his shoulder? That time we almost hired Kevin Dineen? Brett Lebda?
No way. I refuse. I’ve decided I’m going to be more positive. And no, that doesn’t mean any “Well Cam Atkinson is doing good in Springfield” or “Ryan Johansen is the next Joe Thorton” nonsense. There is no more looking towards the future for hope. Hope was what I had when purchasing my Jeff Carter jersey on opening night. I thought I was in for a season of Carter roofing pucks on Jimmy Howard, not a season of Carter watching “It Gets Better” videos and filling his beer pong cups with tears while sniffing one of Mike Richards graphic tees “Brokeback Mountain” style.
Hope was what I had when I ranted on HFBoards earlier this year, that the Jackets would make the playoffs as I mocked the Red Wings for getting old. Just think of Nash, Carter, and Wisniewski, all in their primes skating circles around mid-30’s injury prone relics like Johan Franzen and Henrik Zetterberg! The Division is OURS.
No, hope is no more.
But there is something better than hope, and that is taking pleasure in the pain and failures of other organizations, once that aren’t seen as league wide jokes, in which failure is not expected. Which is how I will cope with the rest of the Blue Jackets season. I suggest other fans do the same. Here is my official checklist for Blue Jackets fans, of things to do get through the rest of season.
1. Don’t just relish in the Shea Weber and Ryan Suter train rumors, but start them. As Jackets fans, we all hate Nashville, with their pesky front office and coaching stability, drafting prowess, elite defense and elite goaltending. It’s so obnoxious of them to have their original draft pick is still contributing while we had the good sense to exile Rusty “Blue Eyes” Klesla to the desert so we could rent Sami Lepisto and Scottie Upshall for a late season losing streak….and then take the money we saved to extend Fedor Tuytin’s House of Turnovers.
But no need to be jealous of all those Brad Pasiley lovers with the urine colored jerseys – They are about to lose their two best players in Suter and Weber. Spread the facts, Jackets fans (and these are facts): Ryan Suter wants to either play for his team USA GM Brian Burke, or an original six team like the Red Wings. Shea Weber has always dreamed about being a Flyer, but privately has said he would consider a long term deal to play on for the Rangers, where he can be closer to his love of Broadway musicals. When starting these trade rumors, just make sure you include one of the brothers Schenn (this makes a trade rumor credible) a first round pick, Nazem Kadri and note the Preds inability to spend to cap and put fans in the seats.
On a sidenote…Colton Gillies > Brandon Yip.
2. Tune out all coverage of the Blue Jackets, and instead, only read about the Buffalo Sabres. Seriously, they are basically the Blue Jackets turned up to 11. Plus, they actually thought of themselves as cup contenders.
Struggling goalie? Yep, they’ve got one too – but he’s an all-star who makes twice as much as Steve Mason and treats his post-game media sessions like confessionals on “Celebrity Rehab.”
Horrible defense with baffling contracts? Christian Ehroff got FOUR more years than Fedor “The Turnover” Tyutin and might actually be less productive. Plus at least our UFA signing James Wisniewski’s wife is nice enough to make Thanksgiving dinner for Ryan Johansen. What has Mrs. Ehroff ever done for Zach Kassian?
Big offensive acquisition from the Flyers adjusting to his new team poorly? Check. While Jeff Carter may bolt from fan signings after 10 minutes, at least he can score goals occasionally. Someone might even be willing to trade for his contract if his emotional holdout continues. The Sabres on the other hand, are stuck with Ville Leino for the long haul. He will continue to make more than the city of Buffalo’s gross profit while funneling that money into the Finnish economy. Carter is at least kind enough to stimulate the Columbus economy with generous contributions at Bars in the Arena District.
Bad coaching and general managing? We can sweep our first-time coaches and GMs aside any time we want – but not Buffalo. No, they handed mysterious long-term extensions to both coach and GM, which are apparently so embarrassing, the number of years isn’t even public knowledge. But they at least came out and announced that they weren’t SIX YEAR extensions, so that’s nice. Plus, at least @GMScottHowson is down with tweeting and blogging and occasionally mixes in a shrewd move like trading for Mark Letestu when he isn’t busy burying “the Shermanator” Matt Calvert in the minors.
3. Laugh at the New Jersey Devils. No, there is no truth that Zach Parise desperately wants to team up with Jeff Carter and Rick Nash to form the “Seventeen Magazine” line. However, he is the captain of the New Jersey Devils and is ready to abandon them in free agency. Some captains pledge allegiance to their organizations and commit long term to avoid the distraction of looming free agency (Rick Nash), and do so without even bothering with all that “needing to see if we can win in the future” crap (also Rick Nash). Others, like good ol’ Zach put their fans through an emotional ringer before bolting for the comforts of Lake Minnetonka. I have been to Devils games, and I have seen the legions of plus-size woman in Parise sweaters. His departure will crush them, their franchise will fall further into financial despair, and Marty Brodeaur will continue to soil his legacy by playing like a Steve Mason terminator sent from the future (directed by McG). Meanwhile, we have the comforts of our Rick Nash contract and loads of incoming casino money.
4. Pierre Gauthier’s continued employment. There is a one GM in the league with a penchant for giving up promising young defensemen for underperforming, shell-of-their-former-self centers with years left on their contracts. That man is Pierre Gauthier and as long as he is GM of the Canadians, there is hope we can trade Antoine Vermette straight up for P.K. Subban.
Well, that’s only four things….but really there isn’t much for Jackets fans to do right now except wait to see what the return is for a Carter trade and continue to fail for Nail.
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