People are always asking me, do I know about Brian Burke?

It was right in everyone’s face Brian and I just made it visible, it was right on the tip of everyone’s tongue, Brian and I just gave it a name, it was an event searching for a venue and we gave it a barn by Lake Placid

Gentlemen, welcome to NHL Fight Club

The first rule of NHL Fight Club is you do not tweet about NHL Fight Club.

The 2nd Rule of NHL Fight Club is you do not retweet BizNasty’s tweets about NHL Fight Club.

3rd Rule: If someone says “stop” or goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. Unless they’re a little fake artist.

4th Rule: is the Third Man in Rule … huh maybe we should make that the third rule

5th Rule: Only one fight at a time fellahs, unless NFL Fight Club is also running, then no fights allowed at all.

6th Rule: No shirts, No shoes …… jesus Rob Ray put your pants back on.

7th Rule: Fights will go on as long as the linesmen think they have to

8th Rule: If this is your first night at NHL Fight Club … you have to fight. Lay off Konopka, this is your 9th ‘first night’ in a row

What’s that Smell?

Reports that Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby has suffered a setback in his recovery from a pair of concussions are being dismissed by his agent as merely ‘being in Halifax during the summer’

On Monday, CTV News reported that Crosby halted training after the reappearance of concussion-like symptoms including headaches, nausea, sensitivity to light, irritability and a compulsion for Clamato juice.

Pat Brisson, Crosby’s agent, said the centre has adjusted his training to address the long overdue sunshine and warm weather in Nova Scotia. “Listen, if you spend 6 hours on patios along Spring Garden Road with nothing in your belly but Corona and deep fried pepperoni you’d feel concussed too”.

Local proprietors, when given a list of concussion symptoms, tended to agree. Bartender Angus MacLean commented that “Loss of consciousness, vomiting & slurred speech? Yeah, that sounds like most of the regulars at wing night.” While server Anita Campbell deadpanned that Halifax born Brad Marchand’s post Stanley Cup ““concussion symptoms” are going to get him banned from the shooter bar if he keeps this up”.

Crosby himself remains evasive, when reached for comment he asked this reporter to “Keep it down for the love of God” and inquired “What day is it anyway?”

Look, I know this looks bad, I’ve seen the replay too [Ed Note - Video Embedded Below]. While on the surface I may appear to be faking an injury you have my personal assurance no such subterfuge took place.

On ice I routinely ruminate on the complex social challenges that beset our nation. Oddly enough the brief moments subsequent a cross-check or facewash afford a clarity of mind unsurpassed during all other waking hours. In fact I’d been comparing, with growing anxiety, the precipitous drop in new teachers with the growing exodus of those currently in the profession.

Couple this with widespread budgetary cuts on both the state and federal level and you can begin to understand my momentary expression of dismay. The enormity of this particular struggle simply caused me to physically recoil in horror. I’ll allow that the timing was unfortunate but surely a man cannot be condemned based on the harsh whims of coincidence?

If I’m guilty of ANYTHING it’s caring too much about our schools and universities.

Eagerly anticipating your understanding and apology,
-Dan Carcillo

Click here to view the embedded video.

In a surprise development today, former NHL greats Wayne Gretzky and Brett Hull and current NHL ‘pretty decent’ Mike Modano have announced plans to cast aside years of friendship and mutual respect. The plan, which involves the purchase of the troubled Dallas Stars NHL franchise, is a perfect storm of fiscal instability, conflict of interest and general inexperience.

Modano is particularly enthusiastic about the lack of clearly defined roles within the new group. “I was worried that we’d agree to legally partition certain parts of the business but thankfully we’ve agreed to wing it. I cannot wait to start vetoing purchases and exchanging passive-aggressive memos with Brett and Wayne.”
A current assistant captain with the Stars, Modano also eagerly relishes the opportunity to foster dissent among other active players. Winger James Neal is already practicing sound bites with Modano involving terms such as ‘distraction’, ‘out of touch’ and ‘played during a different time’.

Wayne Gretzky could not be more elated to be back in the game after his unceremonious exit as head coach of the Phoenix Coyotes. “It’s hard when you’re in the process of tarnishing your legacy and it gets cut short due to ownership issues. My name alone generates enough good will to stifle argument and really run a team into the ground. I know I’ve been given a second chance and believe me; I will make the most of it.”

Brett Hull, for his part, has already begun undermining current GM Joe Nieuwendyk on both contract and draft decisions and has been seen screaming “Brett’s Back Baby! Brett’s Back!” to anyone who will listen.

From 20,000 throats and more there rose a lusty cheer;
It rumbled through the Rockies and made us drop our beer;
It knocked upon the skybox and upon the ice so flat,
For Marty, mighty Marty, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Marty’s manner as he skated to his crease;
There was pride in Marty’s bearing and a smile that wouldn’t cease.
And when, responding to the cheers, ignoring jeers of ‘FAT!!’
No stranger in the crowd could doubt ’twas Marty at the bat.

And now the frozen rubber puck came hurtling through the air,
And Marty stood a-watching it and gripped his stick with care.
Though nowhere near the goalmouth the puck appeared to head-
“I think I got this,” said Marty. “Oh Christ??!,” the fanbase said.

His stick is lifted from the ice, on puck his eyes are set;
He pounds with cruel violence the disc from front his net.
But now Rafalski holds the puck, and has no need for tricks,
For standing right in front of him; an open four-by-six.

Oh, somewhere in this frozen land the competition’s light;
A bye into the semis and one less team to fight,
And somewhere lines are clicking, and powerplays have clout;
But there is no joy in Canada, mighty Marty has struck out.

Phaneuf? The Hell? Seriously?

Oh wow, yeah, sure, great move there guys. You know what wasn’t a great move? Trucking all my crap from Toronto to Miami in the middle of September. It’s literally the worst moving month ever, all the U-Haul stuff is booked and it takes weeks to get your phone hooked up thanks to all the G.D. students moving back in. Don’t even get me started on the snowbird traffic.

What are you guys thinking? Do you even remember the fiasco we went through? Apparently not, let’s recap Dion Phaneuf’s story then?

Young offensive defenseman with big shot averages around 50 points a season before his contract expires, gets rewarded with a multi-year extension averaging $6 million per. He initially plays well but soon his production fades which draws attention to his lack of defensive skill. Fans revolt and demand a trade.

Sound familiar? It sure as hell rings a bell with old Boo-ryan. I still haven’t fully unpacked and you’re trading away like 19 players to get a dirtier, crankier, more expensive version of me back. What’s next on the agenda, finding an almost indistinguishable replacement for Darcy Tucker? I hear Carcillo is available.

Anyways screw you guys, playing in Florida is wicked, I’ve scored like 5 goals in my own net and no-one even notices.

P.S. As of today I have two more points than Phaneuf and with a better plus minus. Just sayin’.

Hey Friends!

Daniel Alfredsson here again, man, is it hot in here or is it just me? Haha! Oh I see that none of you are laughing, ah, I was attempting some of your famous North American ‘topical humour’. It appears that Ron Wilson’s comedy lessons were not as effective as advertised.

Of course I am referring to the completely accidental fire that consumed most of the visiting Minnesota Wild’s gear on Friday. Like I told the Ottawa police, this is an open and shut case, clearly another example of road salt buildup in the fuel line guards causing corrosion, leakage and eventual conflagration. A fault common to that model of cargo truck … or so I’ve heard.

Still these crazy rumours keep popping up in the media, my ‘favourite’ is the one that states I was seen throwing out a pair of gloves reeking of gasoline. Gasoline? Really?? When clearly a fire hot enough to burn the thick leather and fiberglass contained within would require a phosphorous based accelerant coupled with a gelatinous propellant applied directly to material. So why would I even need gasoline … rhetorically speaking, of course.

So what if I can’t explain my whereabouts between 9:45 and 10:00 that day? So what if that coincides with when the tapes are changed on the security cameras?  It’s all baseless speculation and conjecture. Oh the facial hair?? I am, uh, experimenting with my self-image, it certainly isn’t a result of burns caused by faulty fuse timings on a cheap but untraceable remote detonator … I read about that on Wikipedia.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to the game tonight, perhaps the fire department should stick around since I have the feeling we’ll be on fire tonight! Haha! … nothing? Really?  Is this thing on?

Alfie

Hi Friends!

Daniel Alfredsson here again, say, did you happen to catch the highlights of our game last night? Particularly around the 14 second mark of this clip?

Well that poor referee certainly appears to be in quite a lot of pain, the look on his face is excruciating.

I’d hate for that sort of thing to start happening on a regular basis. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Although … now that you mention it my Ottawa Senators do happen to be the most penalized team in the league AND the team with the fewest power play opportunities. Why those sort of statistics are enough to make a normally placid group of guys … well do almost anything to ‘fix’ the situation.

You may have heard some disturbing rumours after the 2 games where we didn’t get a single power play or the 3 games where we only had one. It’s all just nonsense, you know how players like to gossip, the very idea is ludicrous. Almost as silly as averaging 2 powerplays on the road when the league average is 4.

Sure, I may have been seen making calls on disposable cell phones and dropping off cash filled envelopes to shadowy figures in parking lots but that doesn’t mean I’m plotting some sort of ‘imminent violent reprisal’ if things don’t change. I truly wish the best for you and hope that you enjoy happy, injury free times for what’s left of your careers.

P.S. I ran into Kerry Fraser yesterday, looks like he won’t be able to officiate tomorrow’s game; apparently he fell down some stairs.

Warmest Regards,

Alfie

Click the above Link to join in

Mired in last place and in the depths of the worst start in franchise history, Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke has reversed course and is now encouraging his players to find non-violent alternatives to on ice conflicts. Practice drills will now be bracketed with sensitivity training, art therapy and a customized conflict resolution course known only as ‘The Facewasher’.

With only one win in thirteen games this season Burke has all but admitted that his strategy of foregoing smaller skilled players in lieu of hulking, short fused fight machines may have backfired. “Look it takes a pretty awesome GM to admit when he’s wrong” allowed a downcast Burke while handing out Chums not Scrums novelty hats for his defense corps. “so we’re going to try this new … sigh … Golden Rule Hockey”

While deeply skeptical of the new roadmap, many of the players are taking a pragmatic approach, “Crissakes I can’t even frown at a guy this year without getting a double minor” barked d-man Mike Komisarek “if creating an empathy window gets the team above .500 I’ll give it a go”. Other players remain unconvinced “Man, I know we need to try something new but there’s no way in hell I’m joining in on the other team’s goal celebrations” fumed Colton Orr “I don’t care how much mutual admiration and goodwill it fosters.”

Public reaction to the attitude shift also varied wildly, a healthy percentage of those polled remarking to some effect “Might as well, not like they can fall out of last place” while others were quite enthusiastic “This is such a progressive step forward, if I actually followed sports I’d truly be delighted”.

Former NHL defenseman Bob Gladney’s new book, ‘Port aux Basques? – On Yer Ass! : Discrimination against Newfoundlanders in the NHL’ is causing quite a stir in hockey circles. Gladney argues that native Newfoundlanders face widespread prejudice in the form of lowered ice-time, roster cuts and jokes that ‘are just recycled wisecracks about the Polish’.

An exhaustive statistical analysis shows that, relative to population, Newfoundland has the lowest percentage of players to crack not only the NHL but also the national junior team. “By Jaysus if that ain’t a conspiracy I’ll eat my hat” writes Gladney “crissakes my trout, if it wasn’t for Cleary weed’a never even seen the cup hit Town”.

When polled about the book, reaction from Newfoundland was mixed.

• 24% expressed support for Gladney
• 27% called the study “about 10 pounds of BS in a 5 pound bag”
• 13% told us to “g’waaan”
• The remaining 36% refused to answer the survey and insisted we listen to their plan to bring back the St John’s Maple Leafs

Gladney claims the only solution for this sort of systemic discrimination is for the NHL to play all games within the province. “We’s gots a Cornerbrook Conference and a St John’s Conference, if the plows have trouble then we can meets in the middle in Gander as long as we lets the curling club know ahead a time.”

With the announcement of a possible resurrection for the Quebec Nordiques franchise; thousands of angry hipsters voiced their displeasure at potentially losing a critical part of their ensemble.

Vintage Nordiques merchandise, prized for its counter culture appeal and one-up-manship potential has been in dwindling supply since the franchise was moved to Denver in 1994. Prevailing hipster opinion bemoans that a refreshed Nordiques catalog would not only remove the inherent rarity but also the smug sense of superiority they feel while wearing it.

Paradoxically, some of the more livid commentators are clearly not old enough to remember seeing the team actually play. When pressed to name any former players from the roster most responded by rolling their eyes and quipping that “we were missing the whole point, sooo predictable”.

“It’s like, totally corporate, man you know?” blogged local hipster Nathaniel LeClaire from his mother’s basement, “I mean if they’re playing ACTUAL hockey I might as well be wearing a Pepsi symbol”. At press time LeClaire was contemplating whether to place his technically accurate but historically infuriating Eric Lindros Nordiques jersey up for auction on eBay.

Mats Sundin should be inducted into the Hall of Fame.

By Mats Sundin

I’ve been blessed with a long career, unforgettable teammates, stellar coaches and the best fans in the world. Each opportunity to step out on the ice was a chance to live out a dream and I’d like to thank all of those people who made it possible.

I feel incredibly humbled to be mentioned in the same sentence as the greats that have already been inducted into the hall. While I may be a bit of a longshot to be enshrined in the hall, I figure it won’t hurt to toot my own horn, as it were.

While I’ve never had the privilege to raise the Stanley Cup my career speaks for itself;

• Averaged a point per game in the regular season
• Multiple international accolades including an Olympic Gold Medal in 2006
• 2 trips to the Conference Finals
• Longest serving European captain
• Played in 8 All-Star Games
• 82 postseason points
• Over 500 goals scored

Either way, it’s been a pleasure, I’m not going to be disappointed if an invitation doesn’t come but a Swede can dream can’t he?

CounterPoint:

Wicked, you’ll have to let me in as well then.

By Daniel Alfredsson

Hey there friends. I am also a balding Swedish captain with a respectable, if not exactly stellar career.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I deserve to make it into the hall but with all the support Mats has been getting, it’s hard to tell anymore. Let’s run the numbers while I boil some herring okay?

I haven’t been playing as long as Mats but our numbers are eerily similar

• I also average a point per game
• Played on Tre Kronor since 1995 and also got the Gold
• 2 Trips to the Conference Finals (1 of which we won … not that it turned out very well)
• Mats was captain for 11 seasons, I’m going into my 10^th
• 6 All-Star Appearances but I’m a shoe in now with Heatley gone
• 80 postseason points
• He’s got me shellacked in goals but I’ll likely finish with more assists.

Now I’ll be the first to admit, if admission to the hall was beating Ottawa in the postseason, Mats would be first in line …. well maybe Gary Roberts first …. then Nieuwendyk …. sigh, such sad times … where was I?

Ah it doesn’t matter, the herring is almost ready, but remember a vote for Mats is a vote for Alfie, I appreciate the support.

A plucky group of Glendale area teens aren’t going to let the Phoenix Coyotes go without a fight.

Drama gripped the Coyote’s bankruptcy proceedings last week as several teens burst into the courtroom and challenged prospective buyer Jim Balsillie to quote, “Bring It”. Chaos erupted and several members of Balsillie’s entourage were ejected from the court during the fracas.

Justice Redfield T. Baum, while initially skeptical of the motion, was nevertheless impressed by the ragtag group’s dedication. Baum admitted that the case of  Globex Inc. v  Parkfield Rec Center did provide some precedent and court recordings show him musing that the plan was “just crazy enough to work”.

Balsillie’s lawyers objected strenuously, citing that there was no need to ‘bring it’ and that ‘it’, in fact, had already been brought. Observers say the Judge remained unswayed and categorized the use of double finger snaps by the Balsillie camp as “awkward”.

When later asked for comment a suspiciously confident Balsillie hinted at trouble ahead for the courageous troupe. “Let’s just say next week (lead dancer) Tatum Johnson might be having a … change of heart.” Balsille then tented his fingers, dismissed the reporters and began to laugh ominously.

A livid Brian Burke traveled forward in time yesterday to condemn the actions of his future self, calling the 5 year, $27 Million deal for winger Phil Kessel an “act of desperation” by a GM “fighting to keep my job”.

Appearing for the Toronto press in turbulent sphere of electrical energy, a naked Burke quickly rose from a crouch and donned a suit provided by Senior V.P. Dave Nonis.  Burke said it wasn’t the number of draft picks that angered him , but rather the amount of money offered.  “I think it’s a tool certainly a team is entitled to use. My issue here is that I, that is my future self, have offered a grossly inflated salary for a player, and it impacts on all 30 teams”

The war of words escalated today when present day Brian Burke held his own press conference. “While I certainly respect my opinion I also feel that I am way off base in regards to this deal”. 2009 Brian Burke explained that his time traveling doppelganger was still riding the high of his recent Stanley Cup victory and did not appreciate the work and stress involved in the rebuilding process “I think it’s a classless move timing-wise, I thought that was gutless.”

Before returning to his own time a visibly delighted 2007 Brian Burke cackled with glee after being told the Edmonton Oilers had missed the playoffs for the last 2 years and began giggling when informed of Dustin Penner’s contributions during that time.

There’s an old saw how the biggest thrill in gambling is winning a bet and the second biggest thrill is losing one, essentially explaining why people stick around in situations where they are consistently losing.  Ottawa is one of the few teams in the league with a 2-way bandwagon,  sure they gain fans on the way up but they attract even more doomsayers on the way down. After going 0-3 in the presason the floodgates of ‘blow it all up’,  ‘fire Murray’, ‘trade Spezza’, ‘sell to Balsille!!’ have already begun and with gusto.

Judging future success based on preseason results isn’t in the same vein as reading tea-leaves and tarot cards but there’s a reason there’s no points at stake. Lines and pairing need to be worked out, your veterans are impatient, your rookies are desperate and your goalies are no-where near where they need to be mentally.  There’s always a few that come out of the gate with all cylinders firing, hell the Oilers are 3-0 and the fans are chanting Mike Comrie’s name.  If that’s not madness I don’t know what is.

Don’t get me wrong, Ottawa is about two fiascos away from cellar dwelling, they’re about as fragile a team as I’ve ever seen. TSN recently ranked them 24th out of 30 teams, not so much for lack of potential but for the huge cloud of uncertainty that surrounds the team. Even with the Heatley situation resolved there remains huge questions  on almost all aspects of their game, offense, goaltending and ….. other sideshows.

Either way, it should be an exciting season, don’t write them off just yet but be prepared for anything.

Consistently unreliable sources say that Senators GM Brian Murray is close to finalizing a deal that would send disgruntled winger Dany Heatley out of Ottawa in an elaborate 6 way NHL/KHL trade involving the ONE guy you didn’t want moved.  Seriously.

While not your favourite player per se, the veteran skater was a quietly consistent asset for the team and really, like,  brought a lot of intangibles to the rink. Sources close to you spoke of a growing concern over the leadership structure and character of the team due to the loss. Bitter condemnations of  “just to make a spoiled brat like Heatley happy” were reportedly heard in 5 of the 6 cities involved.

Clinging to the hope that this latest transaction was, in fact, just a rumour you were heard to remark “It’ll be weird to see him in the Blue & White, he never seemed like the HC Dynamo Minsk kinda guy”

After a 7 year hiatus stemming from substance abuse problems, Theo Fleury has been cleared to play.  Both the League and Player’s Association have given Fleury their blessing to attempt a comeback.

Fleury, who turned 41 this year,  has been practicing in Calgary and has been in touch with several teams concerning a possible  tryout. Likely following the playbook laid out by fellow spring chicken Claude Lemieux, Fleury hopes to prove his worth in a minor league affiliate before making a jump to the bigs. While news friendly, the odds are severely stacked against Fleury. A relatively small player even in his prime, one can’t expect he’d be useful in a checking line and with his dubious history in Chicago and New York a leadership/mentoring role is a stretch.

That being said it’s impossible NOT to root for the guy. He’s been told ‘no’ his entire career and had to fight like a pitbull for every inch of ice. If he’s clean and able to keep up, more power to him.